Just a few days after talking to my Dad on the phone, I started to get mail. First, there were cards for me with long notes inside from my Dad. He wrote all about what had happened since we’d left and about how much he loved Mom and I. He would send a separate card for Mom and I would place them on her empty bed. Then, I started getting package with clothes and dolls and toys. Roxanne loved helping me open things and Jason would look on with contempt. It felt good to show Jason that I was loved and was not abandoned.
School was out and the summer was at its hottest. Roxanne and I made the best of our pact to stay in our rooms to play. I remember feeling like any moment my father would show up and rescue me. He knew where I was now. Everything would be okay.
Mom came home. I told her that I’d spoken to Dad and there were cards on her bed. I showed her my new stuff and she was completely caught off guard. She and Mrs. Linda had an argument in the kitchen and I could tell Mom was irate. She told Mrs. Linda that she was disloyal and that she had put our lives at risk. Mom stormed into my room and packed everything I had into bags. She ran out of bags and said she would be back. She left for the store but didn’t come back until the next day.
When she showed up, there was a small brown man with her. He was Mexican, with long shiny hair. He stood in the doorway like he was guarding Mom from something unseen. As quickly as we’d left Dad, we were leaving the Smiths. She packed away our things in the black car and told me to say goodbye. As much I wanted to leave, I’d never thought about how I’d feel leaving Roxanne. She was my only friend. Mrs. Linda asked where we were going and where our new apartment was so maybe Roxanne and I could play occasionally but Mom would not answer. Mom told me I would see Roxanne again soon so I said my farewell and got into the backseat of our car. Mom got into the front passenger seat and the man drove us off in my Dad’s car.
While pulling off, Mom seemed overwhelmed by how quickly she had to ‘escape’ and thanked the brown man for being there in case my father was there. She kept looking behind us in case we were being followed. In her mind, everyone was plotting against her. The brown man happily introduced himself to me. His name was Mr. Dennis. Mom began telling me how amazing Mr. Dennis was and how much he had ‘helped us’. When it struck me that this was her boyfriend I felt my heart sink. What about Dad? Who is this guy?
We turned into an apartment complex after a short drive. Mom pointed out the swimming pool as we passed it and the laundry mat. The apartment buildings were a coral pink color with jungle green doors and jungle green numbers painted on the sides. They were all two story buildings with 4 apartments on each side of the building, 8 apartment total in each building. Mr. Dennis parked the car, they grabbed a few things and walked me up the stairs and to the right to our new apartment. Mom was trying to make it a big a reveal and seemed excited so I tried to muster up some excitement as well. She opened the door and there was a mattress on the floor in the living room and a wicker trunk against the wall. There was one bedroom and Mom said that she and I would share it. This was how we slept back home in Louisiana, even when I had my own room so that made sense to me. It was a small and cozy place and it was ours. That made me happy.
I expected Mr. Dennis to leave after helping us get everything out of the car but he was still here. He and Mom pulled out a bottle of tequila and celebrated. I unpacked my toys and pretended to set up my stuff. Mom got me ready for bed and jumped on the mattress excited to snuggle with my mother. She put on a very revealing night gown and snuggled in next to me. Then Mr. Dennis got in the bed with us. He kissed Mom on the cheek and told me goodnight. Why is he doing this? Why is she letting him? Whois this stranger? Mom slept between us but his hand reach over her and was touching me. Mom smelled awful – liquor and toothpaste and hairspray. I was so angry at her. I hated her smell and I hated her for letting this man sleep with us.
This moment in the bed with Mr. Dennis was a huge moment for me and still affects me to this day. I’ve walked through it several times because it was THE moment I lost all trust and sense of security that I may have had for my mother. It was the moment I stopped loving my mother as a child. It was more than hate because hate can fade – it was love ceasing to exist. As an adult, even through therapy and wholeheartedly forgiving my mother, I do not love her like a child loves their mother and this was the moment it happened. Something told me that I had to do this on my own. Something told me that I had to protect myself. That evening was the evening I realized that my mother was an alcoholic and something was missing from her. This wasn’t what a mother was supposed to do. I was 6 years old.
Saving Elizabeth 